Fixed

‘Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you…”

So, who fixed me?

I was surprised when I realized that it has been a long time since I worried about the lines and cracks on floors and sidewalks. Yes, I do not step on them because they terribly panic me. Do not ask me why.

I ONCE REMEMBERED TELLING MYSELF, WHEN THE TIME COMES THAT stepping on lines and cracks on floors and sidewalks wont bother me anymore IS THE TIME WHEN I AM ALREADY READY.

I do not want to make this the reason why I have an attitude problem nor why I have problems with relationships in general whether friendship or more than that.

Some people vowed to be a friend whatever will come and that they will understand me with my insanity and so on but where are they now? I do not want to be pitied nevertheless to be understood most of the time if I really am such a pain in their a** but was hoping they would not promise things they cant keep.

Somehow I have stopped counting the electric posts or other things literally.

My brother (priest) understands how important for me to stay in the same corner, the same table, the same fastfood, the same place whenever we go out so before I finish paying the cashier, he goes to our usual corner, table, etc.

Then I realized it has been a long time since we were not eating at the same place anymore, a year now maybe? More than a year?

I still could not help myself from washing my hands most of the time (now I have alcohol with me since I cant wash my hands with water immediately while working) and same thing goes to rearranging my desk, and bedroom and furnitures in the bedroom nth times a week which usually impede my daily work since it takes a lot of my time.  Every week you would find a new arrangement of same furnitures in my shabby and small bedroom. Your nose would bleed with the strong smell of mixed Baygon and Lysol sprayed repetively. I just hope watching movies every Thursday and going to the same exact places on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays are not the same as the symptoms. I also have the same obsessive (sexually explicit and violent) thoughts shamefully about a lot of things which are the reasons for my anxiety and irregular heartbeats and rapid palpitations.

I have realized some of my actions and repetitive thoughts and maybe feelings are irrational but I had a hard time letting it go like a wire in me I dont need but have this feeling I need it. Hard to explain.

I still have the same fear and worry of maybe someone will get hurt that is why I do not go to very crowded places because they scare me. I still do not like shaking or holding hands because I am afraid of getting sick because it might be dirty.

 Still, I have discovered changes in my attitude and it was for the better.

I do not do some routinary personal works anymore, I have not worn the same color of shirts in a week for such a long time already, I have no black nails for 8 months, I have a lot of changes in me now. It may not be totally yet but Im getting in there…

Stepping on the cracks and lines is the best sign im moving on again.

So who fixed me?

Nobody except my faith.

I learnt it the hard way.